Email Exchanges that Poke the Bear
CHAPTER 6 (From Zoom Out Book)
The Story…
Emails are suggested to follow the 5C’s…
Clear, Concise, Complete, Correct and Courteous.
I have an acronym that describes EMAILS the way I and I’m sure many others have received them often.
Every
Misinterpretation
Always
Invites
Legitimate
Stress
Something about work emails can really set me off.
They shift my energy and that energy follows me for too much of the day afterwards.
Replayed in my mind.
How I could have said things differently.
How they could have said things differently.
Let’s look at an example of one of those workplace email exchanges that poked the bear in me…
Colleague (C):
Hi Everyone,
Sorry for the interruption, if you have or have seen the Blue Polaroid Camera used for events, could you please email me, and I can come and pick it up?
There is a school event happening next week and the camera is needed.
Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks
Me (M):
Thoughts: I have a polaroid camera that I bought for our Best Buddies Chapter in the school. We’re not using it. I can offer it to them as they need one.
Response:
Hi - I have a polaroid camera that I can bring in tomorrow for the event to use, as a just in case - if that helps.
C:
Please bring it in tomorrow, or if you are still here, I can pick it up from you now?
M:
Thoughts: That was rude. I just offered my camera to help the situation, and I get a demand in response? I won’t be as courteous in my response.
Response: I have it at home, so I'll have to bring it in tomorrow. Where should I bring it? I'm in at 7:30 AM if you need it by the start of school.
C:
I am at track and field practice for 7:30 am tomorrow so can you leave it in the main office? I have cc’d the main office here, so they know to expect you.
Thanks!
M:
Thoughts: Not the response I expect from someone who is receiving a kind offer from a colleague. At least she said, “thanks” – I’ll offer film.
Response:
Will do!
Do you need film?
C:
No, did you use the film for an athletic event? Can you please let me know how many boxes of film you used?
We will purchase more.
M:
Thoughts: I think she thinks it’s her camera I have. I’ll have to look back at my responses to see where she misinterpreted my message. I feel like my message was clear. I better make sure she knows it is my camera and my film.
Response: I used my film with my camera for best buddies. I have extra and can bring it in if needed.
C:
It is not needed we will purchase more.
M:
Thoughts: Not even a “thank you” for the extra film – what the heck? Respond in kind.
Response: Okay. I'll drop the camera into the main office tomorrow.
C:
Great
C:
I got your polaroid, however the one I had asked for in my initial email was the school's polaroid camera, not for you to give me your personal one.
That's why I was asking all those questions, because I thought you had borrowed the school one.
The staff in charge on the school event currently has your camera and said he would reach out to you.
Thank you for lending yours.
I guess I am still in search of the UTS blue Polaroid camera.
M:
Thoughts: Wow – that makes me feel shitty for doing something nice. This is messed up. Take a breath – don’t react – try and respond.
Response:
I realize you asked for the school's camera. I reached out to say I had my own camera in case you needed one (if the other one didn't come back to you) - sorry if that got lost in the message. The staff person in charge of the event is welcome to use it, and I will get it from him when he is done.
C:
We found the school's camera, so I have your Polaroid camera with me.
Where would you like me to return it to you?
M:
Thoughts: This is unreal. Human skills are not just a teaching need in our students, but clearly in our staff as well. Respond as if the bear hasn’t been poked.
Response: I can pick it up from the main office. Thanks.
C:
Will do!
As I arrived at the main office to pick up my camera, there was another staff person at the desk and who turned to me and said, “Is that your camera?”. I responded, “Yes”.
She then said, “You should put your name on it.”
Thoughts: Another colleague who is close with the colleague I just had the email exchange with seemingly knows about the camera situation. My mind immediately went to the gossip ring. At that point they had trespassed the bear’s territory – I was royally pissed.
Response: I will. Thanks.
Thoughts: Just as Oprah gave out presents to her audience members, “You get a car!” and “You get a car!”, I give out “asshole” stickers. Especially when I’m driving in the streets of Toronto. But in this case, with this colleague, it was her lucky day…
Congratulations. You have earned today's Asshole Sticker™
Thought that didn’t arrive in time…
Somewhere between "Please bring it in tomorrow" and "You should put your name on it," my nervous system had decided I was under attack.
And I got pulled-in…
The Pull-In…
One of the greatest workplace truths:
Emails are the perfect environment for misunderstanding.
No tone.
No context.
No visual cues to help empathy enter the space.
No "I'm answering this while doing twelve things at once" face
Just words.
And then our brains enthusiastically and reactively fill in the blanks.
When I look back on that email exchange, I can see the emotional energy consumed.
However,
Nobody was attacked.
Nobody was bullied.
Nothing terrible happened.
This was an ordinary workplace exchange.
But amazing how quickly my mind constructed a narrative when the communication felt off…
Assumptions were made.
Interpretations happened.
Reactions resulted.
Frustration was felt.
Confirmation bias was present.
The bear was poked.
Pulled in by a complexity of emotions:
Anger
Confusion
Disappointment
Hurt
One workplace exchange—resulting in…
energy drained
mind spinning
assumptions multiplying
emotional real estate occupied for way too long
Essentially in this email exchange…
Something felt off.
My brain filled in missing information.
A story was created.
That story felt true.
Sticker was issued.
Same Pattern. Different Costume…
How many challenges begin with a prematurely issued Asshole Sticker?
A short email = Asshole Sticker.
A delayed text = Asshole Sticker.
A strange look = Asshole Sticker.
A disagreement = Asshole Sticker.
A misunderstanding = Asshole Sticker.
A person having a bad day = Asshole Sticker.
At some point the printing press is running 24/7 and we're burning through ink at an alarming rate.
Zoom Out…
A question that would have saved my emotional energy is:
Am I responding to what actually happened or to the story my mind was creating about what happened?
The number of conflicts, hurt feelings, sleepless nights, family dramas, workplace tensions, and social media battles that begin with a prematurely issued Asshole Sticker is... substantial.
This is where that bigger lens is needed to bring in social awareness.
In my email exchange, I could have considered…
The colleague may have been busy
The colleague may have been on their phone simultaneously dealing with other things.
The colleague may not have the best email skills.
This might be the professional emotional capacity of this colleague.
This colleague may have been in their own head about losing their camera.
The colleague might be dealing with pressure from a higher up on getting this task done.
This colleague may have already judged me based on gossip from another—that’s on her.
The “Zoom Out” to save your emotional energy is to “pause before printing” those stickers!
There is probably a lot that is happening in any given exchange that we are not fully privy to so pull back on the dramatic story telling and give yourself peace.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
—Viktor E. Frankl
The Takeaway…
We all hand out Asshole Stickers.
The question is whether we're issuing them based on evidence or imagination.
The goal isn't to stop handing out Asshole Stickers altogether.
The goal is to recognize when we've started printing them faster than the evidence warrants.
Consciously choosing to view obstacles with a spirit of lightness gives us more emotional agility to deal with difficult situations.
I still keep extra rolls of stickers in my glove compartment.
These days, I try to pause before printing.